8.29.2009


'i know god will not give me anything i can’t
handle. i just wish he didn’t trust me so much'
-mother teresa
I am glad that God doesn’t give up on people as quickly as I do because this one took me a while to get. I could not understand how a God, who is supposed to love Cole more than I do, could let this happen to my sweet little boy. Even mean nasty little boys don't deserve to go legally blind in the first grade; let alone have their seventh birthday at the hospital housing in Detroit while he has his 14th eye surgery! I went through every emotion there is and I tried to see it the “right” way until finally I gave up. I stuck out my lip and stomped off like only a two year old can. It was during my “time out” that God lifted my veil, handed me a kleenex, and smiled at me while I blew my nose and dried my tears.


[narrative] I have been trying, since the Rick Cua concert in 8th grade, to live the way God wanted me to. I have tried to do things the "right" way and sometimes I did a decent job at it. I may have even convinced some of you that I had the Godly life thing down. But Good God did I have it wrong! It was as though I have been running...ok fine...walking, on the 'treadmill of life' with my ipod on, having a really off day because I left my cell phone at home, which means that now I will miss all of my calls and all of my texts and I will be soooo behind on my emails and I don't even feel safe driving without my phone...I mean, what if there is an emergency?! I have occupied every moment of everyday with all my favorite shows, my awesome macbook, my family, my ministry, my books, my job, even my God given talents for Christ’s sake :) When, in reality, I tried to stay busy [no Brent stays busy..I keep occupied] as an attempt to battle the loneliness. I could even do some pretty cool tricks on my treadmill! I'd start to gain some confidence and start to feel better until I looked up and saw all the talented treadmill professionals that surrounded me. So defeat and loneliness prevailed, yet again, on my journey to find meaning, to find God, to find myself.
As I was saying...I was off having my temper tantrum when God gave me the kleenex and right away I felt stupid. Not the usual self-hating, sinful, stuck, kind of stupid but more of an end of yourself, utterly Godly, divinely ironic, kind of stupid. I finally woke up and smelled the coffee, the lights were on and I was home and at the same time “How could I have been so stupid?!”
God starting peeling this band-aide off in January and for whatever reason He choose not to go with the quick peel, He did the slow and steady method and it took till August. He did it though and I survived! He lifted my veil and for the first time I got it! It was like God handed me a full frame 5D camera with a 50 mm 1.2L lens :) because I could see in a way I hadn’t before! My view was clearer and things from the past and present fit together and actually started to make some sense!
This, my friends, is Life...life as Christ is waiting so very patiently for us begin living. The beauty..the mystery..the magic..the wonder [www.rednow.com] of God/Jesus/Holy-Spirit (another example of relationship [of life] as God intends:)...is that They can find us! God will not let even our own selves get in the way! He finds a way through all our sin and darkness and shines His Holy Headlamp into all the dark places within our souls. He does this because in Him there is no darkness, no condemnation, no fear. NO ONE, least and most of all, ourselves can separate us from the love of God!
In Him there is no darkness...God does not intend for us to carry around heaviness or burden or guilt so why do we hold onto it? For we are God's people...wHOLeY and dearly loved, tenderly loved, completely loved, intoxicatingly loved, beyond our wildest dreams loved, and more than we can ever ask or imagine [and I have a vivid imagination] kind of loved! We can believe it because it is fact. It is the absolute truth that we MUST live by if we believe that the Bible is true! If we believe that the Bible is the inherent, I mean inerrant Word of God....if we believe the Bible is God's Word then we must endeavor to understand the absolute truth of it's message....that we are God’s children, wHOLeY and dearly loved, the old has gone; the new has come, we are new creations! "Free at last, free at last...Thank God Almighty...I am FREE at last”.
As the days go by I find it hard to live in this new way God has shown to me. I am easily overwhelmed by its over-my-headness. It doesn’t feel comfortable yet and I am afraid this strange peaceful feeling I’m having is going to go away at any moment! I have to constantly remind my feeble self that God's burden is light and His yoke is easy, so the feelings of discomfort don't have anything to do with Him! For me, it comes down to this: If I spend my entire life trying to understand the truth of a simple song I learned when I was two :) I will have lived a full, joyful, abundant, peaceful, and happy life...
Jesus loves me this I know
for the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
they are weak but He is strong
yes Jesus loves me..
This is the "Bible for Dummies" like me. Please remember I said this, because tomorrow or next month or ten years from now when my world falls apart again, when God does something that doesn't make sense and isn't fair, or when I find out I'm pregnant [no not three...yikes!!] or when I lose my job and can't pay the bills...when the Doctors tell me that my son can't see anymore and I am reaching for my ipod and heading for my treadmill...please remind me to keep singing my song and let God take care of the rest. -sp

Clothe yourself in the love God lays out for you every
morning...love is binding [you might have to suck in to get it on]
but once you do...it is guaranteed to be a perfect fit!
-Colossians 3:14 [sort of]


Posted by Posted by summer phillips at 12:49 PM
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